A Fine Specimen - Throwin' Up Gang Signs

The latest from PoF:

Sign: Aries
Height: 6' 0" (183 cm)
Age: 29 year old Man

HELLO LADYS ! I BELIEVE THAT PHYISICAL ATRACTION IS WHAT DRAWS SOMEONE TO SOMEBODY OFCOURSE , AND THIS SHOWS NO PERSONALITY SO IF YOU LIKE WHAT YOU SEE SAY HI AND WE'LL TALK !SOME BASIC INFO , I LOVE ROCK SHOWS ,EATING , TATTOO'S , ALL SPORT'S ,KISSING=], I AM ROMANTIC I LOVE JUST TO BE WITH THAT ONE PERSON AND JUST CHILL NO WORRIES EVERYTHING IS CAREFREE THATS WHAT I WAN'T, A PARTNER FOR LIFE , A BESTFRIEND , A LOVER , A WIFE !!!

His message to me: HOW YOU DOING TONIGHT YOGI?

The way he writes in all caps is a nice touch. I hope he doesn't find this blog because he'll come pop a CAP in my ASS!

Cry Baby Dave

So I had what I thought was a decent prospect on the line from Plenty of Fish (hereinafter "PoF"). Pun intended. His name is Dave. He's an artist, a Scorpio, and in touch with his spiritual side. Our email exchanges were going really well and then he sent me a link to his work which is downright spooky, dark, and dungeons & dragonesque. It put me off a little, but I didn't write him off for it.

He's into Chinese energy work called Qi Gong. Kinda cool, right? Then he said this:

I was telling my Qi Gong friend about Louise Hay's mirror work, where you stand in front of a mirror and look yourself in the eyes and say "I deeply and completely love and accept myself." I've done this in the past and it always leaves me balling like a baby ... I didn't start doing mirror work until after I'd done a bunch of other internal work of facing many, many old painful memories.

Woof! A little too much sharing there, Dave. Thanks for letting me know just how damaged you are BEFORE I consented to meet you for coffee! Jesus, it reminded me of that affirmation guy from SNL - "I'm lovable, and smart, and doggonit - People like me!"

Next!

Mocheesymo

There isn't much drama in the house now that it's just me and Tyler, so not much to report really. This morning we were exchanging stories about the guys that message us on the internet dating site, plentyoffish.com - It is a sad but true fact that it has come to this. I just joined a few days ago. Tyler has been a member for some time now, but has yet to go on a date. I've gotten plenty of hits, but none very interesting until "Jonny" popped up last night.

"If you're curious we have something in common."

That's all he wrote and then attached his profile with three photos of himself. He's a six foot four inch Adonis with dark brown hair, just the right amount of muscle and few tattoos. He said he was a personal trainer. I thought he was really hot so of course I responded.

"Curious indeed."

So silly this internet thing... But anyway, he quickly came back with:

"Are you a good kisser?"

Are you serious??? Are you sure you're 34, and not 13?

I knew I should just leave it alone but I couldn't resist answering.

"LOL - can I have some wine with that cheese?"

So after I told Tyler that story she said, "You really should keep a list of all the cheesy lines and put them together for publication.... Can I have some wine with that cheese," she laughed. "That is really funny!"

If this continues, she may be on to something.

Taste the Rainbow - and the Love!

Tonight I was skulking around the house, feeling a little blue and avoiding my homework when I heard the backdoor open. It was a chipper Mariana that passed me on the stairway.

“Hi, Marissa!” She chirped.

“Hey…”

I should say that during a wine soaked moment a few weeks ago I apologized to her for ripping her a new asshole, which she accepted graciously. I have been known to get ridiculously nice, or alternatively, viciously mean when I’ve been drinking. In this case, I guess it was best that it was the former, considering we share a roof and all.

I went to the kitchen to make myself some tea. If I learned one thing during my stay in Britain, it is that tea can cure just about anything – maybe even my melancholy mood.

Without warning Mariana appeared behind me with something in her hand. As she started to hand it to me she said, “Thank you so much for helping me with Calcifer. I really appreciate it.” Calcifer is her cat and she handed me a card and a bag of Skittles (my favorite sugary snack).

“Aw, thanks. I LOVE Skittles, and I need the sugar rush tonight to get through my homework!”

I was already touched by her gesture, but when I returned to my room and opened the card my heart went all mushy.

Thank you so much for helping me take care of Calcifer during my transition. You are a truly decent kind soul, and a generous person. Thank you. Mariana & Calcifer.

It’s nice to know that no matter how ugly things get between people, the good stuff at the core is still there, and forgiveness is always possible.

Amanna Check Out Your Ass

While I'm eternally grateful that Mariana is moving out of the house, all of this roommate finding business is getting old. I've quickly learned that impressions made on the phone quite often do not translate to real life.

Last night a guy named Aman came to look at the room. On the phone he sounded really chill, and frankly kind of small, which would be an asset since the available room is directly over Grant's room. When he showed up, 45 minutes late, he was not small at all. He said he was a karate teacher yet he was a little on the portly side.

Aman seemed nice enough, until he started mentally rearranging the house. People often come to this house and see it's "potential" not realizing what a project they'd really be getting into if they start home improvements. Generally, I just quietly roll my eyes and think - yea, you'll get over that real fast.

He was twitchy, chatty, and overall just a little bit too pushy in his ideas about how his life was going to be a the Glendale Manor - because it seemed that he figured he already had one foot in the door. He has a nephew that he felt the need to show me a picture of, adding "You won't mind if this little cutie comes to visit sometimes?"

As if that wasn't enough, I caught him checking out my ass.

Next!!!

The Sausage Debacle - Continued…

Just for good measure, Tyler sent an email to Mariana about the mysterious disappearance of her sausages. She copied me and the landlord, and just for good fun, blind copied Slum in India.

Hi Mariana,

This morning I was making breakfast and went to make some sausage. I haven't been eating much sausage lately so you can imagine how surprised I was to find a single link in the large box of sausage I had in the freezer when I expected to find it half full. I know that you're leaving and this will soon be a faint memory but I'd like to ask that for the remainder of the time that you're living in the house that you refrain from helping yourself to my food. As you know, we're all pretty easy going about sharing from time to time as it's natural to run out of things and someone else has some and we borrow until we can replace whatever it is and so it goes. However, there is a difference between helping each other out and eating food that isn't yours without at least letting the person know and/or offering to replace it.

I don't know what to else to say about it really except to ask that you not do it again.

Thanks,

Tyler

The best part – Mariana replied and DENIED IT!! Unbelievable. Actually, not really. It is so apropos for Mariana, a.k.a. Psycho Sausage Eater, to steal someone’s food and then LIE about it.

Slum responded to Tyler’s email:

Hi Tyler,

I am sorry you are having to experience all that. I am glad you will all be free of her soon. Tell her to replace the sausages and while you are at it ask her to return my milk as well and ship it to India. Hehe!

Keep me in the loop! This is my only entertainment right now.

Hide the Sausage, Anyone?

The sounding board, which has been a blank canvas for well over week, today reads:

Did someone actually eat all of my sausage except one lonely link? Next time, just eat them all and let me know, so at least I know I need to buy more sausage for my breakfast. Tyler

Well, let’s see – I’m a veggie, and Slum is gone, so that leaves, Mariana. What a shocker!

It was a little over a week ago that I had to go Finger Breakin Commando on her ass. We had been interviewing and searching for the right roommate to replace Slum and having no luck finding a suitable female, so we decided to show the room to a guy that sent us a funny email.

“Why not give a nice, quiet guy a chance?” He said. “Besides, who opens your pickle jars?”

When Grant came by to look at the room, Mariana and her boyfriend/master had just holed up in her room. I hoped they would remain there, but to my (and Tyler’s) dismay, Mariana reared her ugly head while we were showing Grant the terrace just out the backdoor to his potential new room.

“Hi,” she said to him, “I’m sure you’re very nice, but I’m not sharing with a guy.”

“Mariana, take it up with the landlord,” Tyler said before I could get the same words out of my mouth.

“I’m not sharing with a guy,” she repeated.

“Mariana, this is very inappropriate,” Tyler said like a stern mother.

When Mariana walked away we were very apologetic to Grant, but he was of course feeling uncomfortable with the situation.

“Uh… the place is great. I love the house, but obviously this is not going to work with me. You should probably just get another female.”

I was fuming.

“Don’t worry, she won’t be here much longer…”

I had no idea how I planned to pull that off, but I knew she had to go if there was any hope of peace and harmony in the house.

As soon as the front door closed from letting Grant out, I flew up the stairs and banged on Mariana’s door like a crazed banshee. Day one of my period is not the best day to fuck with me.

When she opened the door I just let it all fly.

“WHO THE FUCK TO YOU THINK YOU ARE BEING SO RUDE TO A GUEST? YOU ARE A RUDE SELFISH LITTLE BITCH!! YOU ARE FUCKING OUT OF HERE! YOU'RE LATE ON YOUR RENT EVERY FUCKING MONTH! YOU AND YOUR FUCKING BOYFRIEND NEED TO GET THE FUCK OUT OF HERE!"

Tyler said some stuff too but she was a little nicer. Tyler and I went into the kitchen and heard Mariana skulk down the stairs to pick up her bags. I said, so that she could hear me, “I can’t BELIEVE she just did that!”

“Oh, well don’t worry… I’m OUT of here anyway…” she retorted.

“DON’T LET THE DOOR HIT YOU IN THE ASS ON THE WAY OUT!”

Since then, her boyfriend has not stepped one foot in the house, and Mariana gave her 30 day notice to the landlord. Grant is moving in on November 1st.

Slum for Breakfast

So much has gone down in the last five months I don’t even know where to begin. Maybe it was the “finger breaking incident” that drove me away from writing about Slum. While it seemed therapeutic for a while, eventually it just seemed to be perpetuating anger and creating a really nasty, bordering on violent, situation.

Before I fill you in on what became of me and Slum – (and it is a shocker!) I should first say that she’s gone. No, I didn’t bury her in the backyard. She left about week ago for India to continue her dream of making the world’s most brilliant, life altering film. Prior to her departure, however, her relationship with Mariana fell apart, and that is putting it oh so mildly. It all began while I was exploring the jungles of Peru. Mariana became “collared” by a guy she met at an S&M club in Hollywood. In S&M terms, that means he owns her ass.

I was still bleary eyed and jet lagged from my overnight flight from Lima when I was sitting down in the living room having a chat with Tyler, getting filled in on all the madness in the house during the three weeks I’d been gone.

“So, Mariana has this new boyfriend, and they’re into S&M, and it’s just been non-stop…” Tyler said, exasperated, having had to listen to them screw for two weeks straight.

As I sat and listened I heard the door to my room open and close…

“That’s weird,” I said to Tyler. Maybe Mariana doesn’t know that I’m home.”

I started up the stairs, and as I turned the knob to go inside, a stunned Slum started profusely apologizing and pleading her case.

“Oh, Hi… I’m so sorry. I had to use the bathroom and Mariana and her boyfriend have had our bathroom tied up for the last hour and a half… I never would have gone into your space unless it was an emergency... In fact, Mariana kept trying to get me to come in here and hang out while you were away and I said it woudn't be right... ”

“No worries,” I said to her, not sure what to do next since it was the first time we’d exchanged words in months.

“You have no idea what it’s been like here. Her boyfriend is here all the time and now she wants me to sublet my room to him when I go to Barcelona next month… Let’s go downstairs,” she said as she motioned me away from earshot of Mariana’s bedroom door.

Tyler was still sitting in the front room. I listened to the two of them complain about what a nightmare the house had become in my absence. Apparently they were both awaiting my return to handle it.

“I just said the other day that we’d wait for you to come home because, as I told Rubi, ‘Marissa will come flying out of her room and nip this in the bud the first time Mariana disturbs her peace!’”

It’s good to be feared, and while I knew they were right, I was way too tired and my head was still spinning from my time in the jungle to even consider trying to sort out any house politics. Never mind the fact that Slum was suddenly treating me like I existed and conversing with me as if we were two civilized human beings. Something magical must have happened while I was away. Could it get any stranger?

“You must be hungry! I’ll make omelettes for us!” Slum said.

She cooked up one yummy batch of mushroom and cilantro omelettes, accompanied by a side of toasted sesame bagels. The three of us sat and ate midday breakfast together while looking a slideshow of my trip on my laptop. Clearly, I had fallen into some sort of strange parallel universe where Slum no longer shunned and ignored me.