Hide the Sausage, Anyone?

The sounding board, which has been a blank canvas for well over week, today reads:

Did someone actually eat all of my sausage except one lonely link? Next time, just eat them all and let me know, so at least I know I need to buy more sausage for my breakfast. Tyler

Well, let’s see – I’m a veggie, and Slum is gone, so that leaves, Mariana. What a shocker!

It was a little over a week ago that I had to go Finger Breakin Commando on her ass. We had been interviewing and searching for the right roommate to replace Slum and having no luck finding a suitable female, so we decided to show the room to a guy that sent us a funny email.

“Why not give a nice, quiet guy a chance?” He said. “Besides, who opens your pickle jars?”

When Grant came by to look at the room, Mariana and her boyfriend/master had just holed up in her room. I hoped they would remain there, but to my (and Tyler’s) dismay, Mariana reared her ugly head while we were showing Grant the terrace just out the backdoor to his potential new room.

“Hi,” she said to him, “I’m sure you’re very nice, but I’m not sharing with a guy.”

“Mariana, take it up with the landlord,” Tyler said before I could get the same words out of my mouth.

“I’m not sharing with a guy,” she repeated.

“Mariana, this is very inappropriate,” Tyler said like a stern mother.

When Mariana walked away we were very apologetic to Grant, but he was of course feeling uncomfortable with the situation.

“Uh… the place is great. I love the house, but obviously this is not going to work with me. You should probably just get another female.”

I was fuming.

“Don’t worry, she won’t be here much longer…”

I had no idea how I planned to pull that off, but I knew she had to go if there was any hope of peace and harmony in the house.

As soon as the front door closed from letting Grant out, I flew up the stairs and banged on Mariana’s door like a crazed banshee. Day one of my period is not the best day to fuck with me.

When she opened the door I just let it all fly.

“WHO THE FUCK TO YOU THINK YOU ARE BEING SO RUDE TO A GUEST? YOU ARE A RUDE SELFISH LITTLE BITCH!! YOU ARE FUCKING OUT OF HERE! YOU'RE LATE ON YOUR RENT EVERY FUCKING MONTH! YOU AND YOUR FUCKING BOYFRIEND NEED TO GET THE FUCK OUT OF HERE!"

Tyler said some stuff too but she was a little nicer. Tyler and I went into the kitchen and heard Mariana skulk down the stairs to pick up her bags. I said, so that she could hear me, “I can’t BELIEVE she just did that!”

“Oh, well don’t worry… I’m OUT of here anyway…” she retorted.

“DON’T LET THE DOOR HIT YOU IN THE ASS ON THE WAY OUT!”

Since then, her boyfriend has not stepped one foot in the house, and Mariana gave her 30 day notice to the landlord. Grant is moving in on November 1st.