Dullard Dave

He seemed like he was coffee worthy. His emails were light and unpretentious, and the fact that he’s a tall, handsome, 32 year old personal trainer with a great body didn’t deter me from meeting with him. But his looks were overpowered by his excruciatingly dull personality. I was ready to slit my wrist 10 minutes into our date. Actually, I was ready to end the date before it began.

We’d agreed to meet at a café in Atwater Village at 2 p.m. Once I arrived, ordered my coffee and found a good table outside, I checked my phone to find a text message from him: “I’m lost. Help!” Good God. So I called him and spent the better part of ten minutes trying to explain how to get there. We hung up and I occupied myself with a book as I waited.

The phone soon rang again.

“Um, I’m not sure I’m in the right place…”

No, he wasn’t. He was in exactly the opposite direction that I’d told him to go.

“Just stay where you are,” I said. “I’ll come to you.”

Already annoyed, I finally met up with him only to have him bore me to death with comments like, “Yea, I know I only got this job because of my looks. Surely there are much more qualified people out there. But I guess that’s the way it goes.”

I started plotting my escape. I didn’t want to be mean but I had to get the hell away from him asap before I lost my patience. I pulled out my phone to check the time.

“Oh, I gotta get going. I have to go work a horse before it gets dark.”

I think he kind of got the message that he was getting the brush off because he was suddenly very interested in my life.

“So, are you a shaman?”

“Um, no. But I have a shaman.”

“Wow, you’re a really fascinating person…”

“Thanks.”

I got up to go. He dragged his feet a little but finally got up.

“So, do you want to go for a walk in Griffith Park?” He said eagerly.

Confused, I answered, “Not today.”

He laughed. “Yea, I’ll email you.”

“Sure thing. It was nice to meet you,” I said as I put my hand out for a shake – Get a clue, dude.

The thought crossed my mind to keep him around as a toy boy, but then he’d just ruin the fun by talking. Sometimes it’s just not worth it.